Easy as Pie?

So what the heck does saying something is "as easy as pie" mean? This phrase doesn't really make any sense. If I said something was "tasty as pie" then everyone understands, but what is so easy about a pie? It's not talking about making a pie cause if I had to make a pie the only part I would know how to do is buy a pie crust. Maybe people mean as easy as eating pie? I guess that makes sense, as long as the pie isn't too liquidy, or too hot, or the last thing I'm trying to fit into my stomach at the end of a Thanksgiving meal. I guess people might mean something is as "easy as pi". But that doesn't make sense cause 1. I've only heard Americans use this phrase and they suck at math and 2. why wouldn't the phrase be "as easy as addition". I propose we never use this phrase again until someone can give an explanation for it. Dropping it from our speech should be a piece of cake...

Spinach

Spinach, I have a question. How can a vegetable be so lazy in marketing itself? I mean your only competition in the leafy veggie category is lettuce, and you are way better than lettuce. Lettuce is just water, solid, green water. It has zero nutritional value. That's why it's called iceberg lettuce, cause they are made of the same thing. People can actually benefit from eating you, yet you allow lettuce to take over the salad and sandwich market. What's your deal? My recommendation would be to first get rid of your stems, those are annoying. Then hire a PR person to just blast lettuce's character. Make your customers hate lettuce and you'll be ruling the salad/sandwich market in no time.

Hot Dog?

So this is a pretty obvious question. Why is it called a hot dog? I'm told that there are some gross things that get put into the hot dog, but I've never been told it was actual dog. I assume the history of this food is pretty disgusting since I come from a place where dogs are closer to family members than they are to food. But even if original hot dogs were made from dog meat why do we still call them that when I'm sure its been over a century since someone in North America considered eating dog meat for nutrition. Maybe we should look into a name change for this food. Someone will need to be a little more creative with the naming process this time too, I don't think hot beef or hot pork is going to sell.

While I'm on the topic of things that we don't eat, it just recently dawned on me that there is something mysterious about our canine friends. It has to do with 'dog years'. I was told as a child that dog years and human years were different, specifically that 1 human year equals 7 dogs years. Now I blindly accepted this as a child and just thought "oh that just means that dogs have approximately 1/7th the life span of a human, and also mature faster than we do" (Josh age 3). Then just a few days ago I remembered that a year is not a measure of maturity in an organism, but a measure of time. A year can either be: 1. the amount of time it takes for an object to travel around the sun, or 2. a calendar year as used by the Gregorian calendar, or 365 days. Now using these definitions how can a dog year be different from a human year? Obviously we can throw out the second definition as the difference, because they are dogs, there is no way dogs could invent a calendar system. So clearly the difference between a dog year and a human year has to be due to the fact that dogs travel faster around the sun than humans do. Hopefully some scientists will be able to look into the implications of our pets traveling super fast, and also how we haven't noticed it yet.

Meat Class System

How is it that in the year 2012 we are still living in a country with so much prejudice? I'm talking of course about the backward beef class system that we have in America. Who is to say that one piece of meat is prime, while another piece is standard? We should have moved past this a long time ago. What happened to "we hold these truths to be self-evident, that all meats are created equal"? That document still means something doesn't it? There is meat out there that thinks it has greater value than some other meat, but steak can't control when and where it comes into this world. The great injustice of our nation is that once the USDA grades our meat then that meat is trapped in a vicious cycle. U.S. Prime meat heads off to a life of ease in our nicest restaurants while U.S. Canner heads off to a hard life as dog food. Have we all forgotten how inspired we were when we first heard the words, "I have a dream, that one day my meats will live in a nation where they will not be judged by their degrees of inter-muscular fat in the beef, but by the content of their flavor."

Cheddar Cheese Poem

When I think of the Cheese that is Cheddar,
It comforts me like an old sweater.
The look and the smell,
It tastes good as well!
I know nothing else could be better!

Etymology of Hamburger: Part 2.

December 25th, 1776. George Washington is leading a group of tired, hungry men who aren't feeling much like defending their new nation right now. They just want to be home with their families. These men are in bare feet in the snow, and most haven't eaten in a few days. Washington knows that if they don't eat soon they'll have no energy to fight and the war will be all but over. With no food left to ration to his troops Washington makes his famous quote, "the future of America hinges on food." Scouts have reported that the Hessian mercenaries across the river are enjoying a Christmas feast of Hamburgers from Germany. That is when Washington devised the plan to row across the Delaware river that night and take all the Hessian hamburgers for America. After the surprise attack worked and the colonial army ate their fill of hamburgers Washington famously said, "These United States will forever be indebted to the hamburger."

George Washington's bravery and patriotism formed the American values we still hold today of eating and taking by force what doesn't belong to us. This crucial event in the forming of the nation is what has given the hamburger the rightful title of "The American Food." So go out today to the nearest (insert whichever restaurant will pay to advertise first) and grab yourself a big American Hamburger and eat it like the founding father's would have wanted.

Etymology of Hamburger

So I was thinking about food the other day, and my mind began to ponder the greatness of the hamburger. I thought about how it has positioned itself to be the most American food there is. I mean people in America eat hamburgers way more than they eat apple pie. This of course begged the age old question of why we call it a 'ham'burger when it is made of beef? It doesn't make sense, especially when you consider that when the burger is made of turkey it's called a turkey burger, and when it's made of veggies it's called a veggieburger. I of course began to form theories like anyone would when faced with this puzzling word.

The first and most obvious theory I cooked up (HA!) was that the burger was once made of ham, and eventually a shift was made to beef, but the name of the burger stayed the same. This seemed a likely answer, the English language is weird after all (e.g. weird in the previous sentence and the "rule" that 'i' comes before 'e', except after 'c'.). After letting this theory simmer (HA!) a while I moved on to another that seemed a bit more plausible.

My second theory was that hamburgers came from the city of Hamburg, in Germany. Now I quickly wanted to abandon this idea because it's boring, but unfortunately Wikipedia confirmed that this is actually where the word comes from (Lame).

How can this be the case? Hamburgers immigrated to America just like everything else? There's nothing special about that. Hamburgers need an inspirational story about overcoming trials and creating something great from them, like as American as Jazz. That is when I decided to re-write the history of the hamburger to make it more American (read awesome) than the American (read immigrated) it already is. So look for my next blog post about the true story of America's greatest food.

The animal shaped snack phenomenon

I have this question and it's directed towards animal shaped foods, like Animal Crackers, or Goldfish, or Teddy Grahams. How is it that you taste so good, and what does you being shaped like an animal have to do with it? I can clearly see the pattern. Kids love Animal Crackers, and I could eat a giant carton of Goldfish in one sitting, but why? Is there something about humans that makes us enjoy eating the shapes of other animals? Is it like some kind of primal, 'we used to be hunter-gatherers so we like pretending to do that again' instinct? Is it all just in my head or does the food actually taste better when it's in an animal shape? I think we need to do some kind of test with blindfolded subjects. We'll make some normal Teddy Grahams, and then a batch where we skip the teddy shaping part. I'm not sure but I think the bear shaped pieces of graham will still taste better. If this is the case is it really that simple to invent a snack? Can I just take something that already exists and mold it into the form of a living creature and all the sudden have a snack time masterpiece? Could I take regular baked sweet potato chips, shape them into bunnies, and all of the sudden have children and adults all across the world munching on their new favorite SPB's (Sweet Potato Bunnies)? It seems like a long shot to me, but I think it would be a mistake to underestimate the power of the bunny. I don't know how, but it's all over the snack world. Someone please explain this phenomenon to me.

Oreos

Double Stuf Oreos, you are incredible and words cannot describe how good you are.

Single Stuffed Oreos, how do you still exist? Double Stuf Oreos are so much better than you. You are like a survival of the fittest anomaly. You still being around would be like if I went to the electronics section of a store and there were just as many pagers on the shelves as there are cell phones. I guess in that respect you deserve some credit for sticking around, even though you are to double stuf oreos what dial-up internet is to 4g on my smartphone. I'm not saying you were never significant, just that you have become outdated.

You broke my heart honey.

How could you do this to me honey? I thought we had a good thing going, and now I find out you've been lying to me this whole time? How could you? I have shared so much with you, and now I find out that all you are is fake (the evidence). What made you think it was ok to break my heart like that? Explain to me what you were doing, because I can clearly see now that your intentions weren't pure. Actually from the looks of things nothing about you is pure. Did you really feel nothing for me when you were on my peanut butter and honey sandwich? Or all those recipes you were in, were all those more lies about who you really are? I even put you in my tea, the drink that is most dear to me, but all you did was break my heart. I want to try and work things out, maybe see if you can change. But I just don't know if I can trust you again after all the lies. I guess this is goodbye for now. Maybe one day our paths will cross and things can be different. I guess what it comes down to is whether or not you can be real with me.

The luck of the bowl

Dear Lucky Charms,

First of all I wanted to say that your magical deliciousness is more than enough to make me want to eat you. Which makes the fact that I'm more lucky once I eat you a great bonus. The thing I wanted to ask you is exactly how much more lucky am I once I eat you? I looked over your nutrition facts on the box and saw nothing about how much more luck there is per serving. This has created a bit of a dilemma for me. I'm never sure how much to eat before an important event. For example, when I had my college finals I couldn't figure out if my time would be better spent cramming right before I went into the test or eating that third bowl. I don't even know if my luck goes up more per bowl or if one bowl is all the luck my body can process (fact: luck is processed in the liver). Can you get me this information so I can stop worrying whether or not I've done all I can to set myself up for success? I'd really like to know before my next job interview or poker night how much I need to eat. Thanks again for the magic you bring to my breakfast.

Mushrooms, lets change your image.

Mushrooms, we need to talk. And I don't mean all mushrooms, I'm just talking to you normal mushrooms. You know, Agricus bisporus, normal mushroom, like what sometimes comes in my pasta, or on pizza, sometimes referred to as Portobello. Listen, you could go a lot further if you weren't constantly surrounded by this negative image. People never wonder if other foods they eat might possibly be poisonous, so maybe try and get away from that.Maybe you could hire a PR rep or something to get you off this fungus list or something. I know these other kinds of mushrooms are your family and all, but we have to face the facts, you have some weird cousins. Now you taste great and people know that, but there is still something just weird about knowing that I'm eating a fungus. Scientist re-classify things all the time. Why don't you start hanging out with the fruit more often and maybe see if you can get associated with those guys. Or onions, you're kind of like an onion with your color and stuff. Listen, anything is better than the class you are hanging out in now.

Milk, give me more options!

Alright Milk, I have a bone to pick with you. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate what you bring to the table. You make my cereal delicious. But I can't figure out why you have this messed up delivery system? I go to the store and I look at my options. Fat free milk, that makes sense. 1% milk, ok, so a little fat. 2% milk, ok, I see where this is going. And whole milk?! Wait, why did we just jump from 2% all the way to full jug of fat milk. Where is my variety? I don't live in a 3rd world country. How come there's an aisle in my store dedicated giving me variety in my toothpaste, but I only get 4 choices of milk? Why is it you go from 2% all the way to 100% fat? What if I want 25% fat in my milk? Do you expect me to buy a gallon of whole milk and then dilute it with three gallons of fat free milk to get my 25% milk? That's stupid, I don't have room in my apartment for a milk lab. And don't think you can get away with selling me other options like chocolate, strawberry, and banana milk. Sure I'll buy those to drink, but I'm not adding them to my cereal and coffee. At least you could give a slightly more even dispersal of fat. Maybe fat free, 25%, 50% and whole milk. Seriously milk, step your game up.